Go here instead www.chris-chambers.com

Haven't seen this much bull since I left the farm

2007-06-04T23:49:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to suck and be full of shit, but it's a whole new level of ignorant to contradict your original line of bullshit. Case in point, Avril Lavigne. When she arrived on the scene her schtick was how angry she was and of course how 'real' that made her. I believe she's from the mean street (that's not a typo, they have only one street) of Napanee, Ontario.

A friend of mine recently pointed out her new miserable song to me as a joke. I found it funny on two levels; the song itself sounds like something you would hear on a TV show intended for infants to 3 year olds. However, what really got me about this piece of shit is that her former bad-ass and anti-establishment attitude has been neatly tucked away to make room for her new choreographed dancing, bubble gum chewing pop song. Her record company has done an excellent job of putting a profane word in the lyric to keep her core audience in tact. You'll note the word 'motherfucking' is used for effect. They even managed an ode to Led Zeppelin in the lyrics; where as Robert Plant can be heard singing "Hey hey, what can I do?" when singing about the hurt he feels for the woman he loves Avril sings "Hey! Hey! You! You!" when attempting to get the attention of the listener. Beautiful.

Here's the latest piece of trash that goes one step further to proving my theory that the apocalypse is near...Avril Lavigne's new single.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oq9okE0XZuo

Lookin' for love in all the wrong places...

2007-05-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged for some time....I've been busy....that's my explaination.

Recently a friend of mine recieved a very patronizing email froma young man who she felt she lead on. The male in question felt the need to email her an apology for something she didn't really care about one way or the other. His Christian beliefs were the primary motivation for ending something that hadn't even begun. My friend is far too nice to have emailed back a reply putting him in his place as she has more class than that. Personally, I saw this as an opportune time to write another blog. I also lack class. This evening I took the liberty of writing an email reply on her behalf to our silly Christian/hopeless romantic/douchebag.

Original email:

Hey _______ So I guess you know that I have been having second thoughts about where we were going and I don't think it should move forward any more than it already has. I don't really want to explain why in this e-mail other then to say that my beliefs are really important for me there is more depth to it then just that I can explain if you want just not now. As much as I don't like it this way I have to. However I more want to try and explain why I took this road I did and made some of the desisions I made. I was trying to convince myself that I could make it work but I can't its not right. Its hard though because I do like you and have feelings for you. I also think that we should have spent more time just being friends and nothing more. However I just get excited when I think about the idea of having a relationship with someone. I know that no excuse but thats that truth in it. Im pretty upset with myself because I have hurt you and have ruined what could have been a great friendship. Your fun to hang out with and seem to like some of the same things. I hopethis makes sense to you. I do feel bad abou everything and I know I shouldn't have done some of the things I have done. I also realize that you may have open your self up to me and I just took that away and for that I am sorry. There are more things that I want to say but I just can't think of them right now. I sincerly hope for two things one that you can forgive me for what I have done. Second that we can somehow be friends still. I don't know what else to say. Im just sorry. Talk to you soon. Douche

My reply:

There are two drafts... Douche, I'm sorry that you were having thoughts about us going somewhere. Truth is, we weren't and for that I am deeply sorry. Until now I never realized how lonely you were to think that the few nights we spent together had any real deep meaning outside of the physical aspects. I understand if you don't want to explain, it would probably just confuse me more as to what exactly is going on in that head of yours. It would mean a great deal to me if you didn't beat yourself up so much over "hurting me". You didn't. If anything your email is a breath of fresh air for the guilt I carried around for a few days when I began to think you were stalking me and it was all my fault. Also, I'm sorry that we don't share the same feeling of excitement about a relationship. Nothing personal, but I've been seriously considering lesbianism for some time now and thanks to you I may be closer to a decision. Please take good care of yourself and try not to spend anytime on whatever else you hoped to say in a follow up email. It's not that I don't care, it's just that it won't affect my life if in any way shape or form. Regards, Friend of Chris Draft 2: Douche, You're a total douche. Sincerely Friend of Chris

Belgians...big, or biggest morons on earth?

2007-03-05T18:06:00.000-08:00

This will no doubt be the nerdiest post I've done. Normally I don't let silly internet related things bother me, but this one gives me a chance to lump an entire nation into one category based on the idiocy of one.

Several months ago I was unfortunate enough to see a douchebag by the name of Rocco DeLuca open for Robert Randolph and the Family band in Toronto. Randolph and co. displayed talent, versatility, dynamics, charisma and maturity throughout their entire set. DeLuca couldn't get any of the above mentioned together for the duration of his half hour set. Upon my return home that night I was in such shock of how bad he was that I felt the need to check him out on youtube thinking maybe I just caught him on a really, really, really, really, really, really bad night. Nope, he's just that bad. So after viewing a few videos of him on youtube I left a comment about what a clown he is on one of the sites. Again, this is not something I would normally do, but Rocco earned my criticism.

Shortly thereafter I received several replies from both fans as well as some hate mail from the person who posted the video in the first place, telling me to stay away from his site. Last time I checked Youtube was owned by a Google. The point I'm trying to make is that when someone really doesn't have a valid argument for anything, they'll make personal attacks out of weakness or insecurity. This crazy foreigner viewed the two videos I have posted on youtube of my band playing. Funny enough, he said nothing bad about the music (1 point for me). Secondly by comparing me, an unsigned artist to someone with major label and touring support, he has brought his hero down another peg (another point for me and one additional point for fellow indie musicians). He makes a third mistake of assuming all Canadians know one another and that Kiefer Sutherland (who owns the label which DeLuca is signed) is going to hear about what I said and be upset about it. Again he's given me a status of importance I didn't even know I had! That brings me up to 3 points versus the 34 year old who no doubt has far too much time on his hands to defend an arist who; 1) Sucks 2) Doesn't care about him or myself 3) Will soon be forgotten. Last but not least, his english is poor. Here's the email:

MoodyVal | February 14, 2007

Oh wow, your vids have been viewed 100+ times since you've posted them. I wonder how a CLOWN like Rocco DeLuca can have his viewed over 1600 times in a few months only if he's so full of shit.

I'm not gonna ask you again, stay the hell off my account if the only thing you can do is spew insults at a band I - and loads of people with me - like very much.

Choke on your own music and your fellow Canadians, I'm sure Kiefer Sutherland (who just so happens to be a Canadian himself) will absolutely love to hear how his countrymen bash an artist he believes in.

He even had the stones to send me that angry message on Valentines day! That Belgian son of a bitch! Stick to making chocolate and whatever else it is you people do.

Beautiful...just fucking beautiful

2007-02-06T00:42:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0UJaprpxrk

Pure. West.

By the way, I'm sure the Barracuda, Whale, or Manta Ray repellents would have worked just as well.

I wanna be like Ike

2007-01-30T00:06:00.000-08:00

The world is full of injustice, here are a few examples that particularly bother me...

To the majority of the public, Ike Turner will forever be known only as the guy who beat up Tina Turner.

Females pay less for auto insurance than males.

A farmer can build one fence and nobody calls him a carpenter....he can fix one car but nobody calls him a mechanic.......he fucks ONE sheep and suddenly he's a sheep fucker!

Jeff Buckley is dead.

I make a fat girl joke, I'm an asshole...a fat girl makes a skinny joke towards me...no consequence.

The only people who can afford cool vintage instruments are not working musicians.

A pedophile will serve less time in prison than most drug dealers.

Kevin Federline is a millionaire.

Now here are several other examples of injustice that I have no problem with...

Women are held to a much higher standard of looks than men.

As men age they become distinguished, as women get older they turn into hags.

If you're doing something artistic and fuck up, someone will find something artistic about it...even though you just fucked up.

Canada has free healthcare and our strippers are allowed to get completely naked.

Those crazy messed up things that you do

2007-01-18T23:50:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was about to leave the place I was hanging out when a girl that had been hanging around myself and the friends I was out with that night stopped me and asked me "Why are you so lonely?". It kinda stuck with me on the drive home because I hadn't spoke more than 5 words to her throughout the course of the night and wondered what made her say something like that.

Fast forward an hour and I'm at home, online and watching a video from the Hamilton Music Awards where they paid tribute to my friend who recently passed away, Mark Severn. It really touched me to realize how lucky I was to have a friend like that. He was one of the most unique people anyone could have ever met. Most of the night was spent telling Mark stories with two of my other friends who introduced me to him in the first place. It was a good time.

It began to dawn on me that a good friend is a very hard thing to come by and are the most irreplaceable things someone can have. Recently I've lost several friends...I know where they are but for some silly reason or another, we don't speak anymore. At first I started thinking that it was my fault and spent some considerable time trying to figure out what I could say or do that would make them come back. As time went on I started to realize there was nothing. In the midst of the depression I was brought back to my usual positive self when my phone rang. It was 2:45am. One of my close friends called me to see what was up. That's all. That's all it took to realize that for all the friends I think I may have lost, that one good friend is really all you need. Then I started thinking how lucky I was that I have more than one person like that in my life.

This blog is for all my friends.

When it's cold I'd like to die

2007-01-08T19:14:00.000-08:00

Salmuera.

La mitad de un salmuera.

Ninguna salmuera.

DEB que oculta detrás de los pantalones blancos.

Pare el mirar de mis toallas usted híbrido.

Mi cara se ha velado en luz.

I got soul....and I'm super bad

2007-01-03T01:01:00.000-08:00

Saddam Hussein's execution has made it onto youtube. Bill O'Reilly has a publishing deal and a TV show. James Brown has died. These are three things that the world of 2007 unfortunately has to deal with. Lately I've been thinking about how miserable the world is when viewed from a distance. The news is plagued with nothing but the down side of life and ridiculous celebrity gossip. These days the public is fed negativity 24/7 and I'm really getting sick of it. Everything has become public domain.

In the case of Saddam Hussein, here is a man who without question did some terrible things throughout his lifetime, but a public execution on a holy day in the Muslim world is just a bad idea. The fact that the media acted surprised that it ended up being recorded is just plain silly. James Brown's body was also put on public viewing at the Apollo Theater in Harlem. Seems as though not even death is sacred anymore. I'd like to take this chance to mention to any friends who may be reading this...when I die...toss me in the oven and go have a drink and talk about what a prick I was. Don't lay my body out in a box for people to look over and say stupid things like "he looks good". This is a phrase I've heard far too many times at funerals and never ceases to disgust me. Nobody looks good dead. Not an evil man and not the Godfather of Soul.

Rest in Peace
Soul Brother Number 1

P.S.
Bill O'Reilly still has a TV show.

Never get down this low no more

2006-12-28T01:15:00.000-08:00

If I didn't have music, I'd probably be a drug addict. The only thing that keeps me level is music. Music is all I can do. Music is all I want to do. I've never had music leave me for someone else. Never has music made fun of the way I look/dress/act/play it/speak of it. I've never woke up with a hangover because of music. I've never puked music on my lawn and swore I'd never use it again. Music has never tricked me into thinking a girl was prettier than she really was. Without music I would have nothing to share with anyone. I have music to thank for having sex....ever....with a girl. Some of the best people I've ever met were because of music. If I didn't have music I'd be someone else.

A priest, a black guy and a jew walk into a bar...

2006-11-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

The word celebrity is a very silly thing in my opinion. Despite what many believe it to represent, I find that it does little more than act as a scapegoat for people with too much money. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone who has earned a substantial amount of fame, but lately it seems that being a celebrity is a 'get out of jail free' card. The problem with fame is that the more you have of it, the more you can get away with.

Ironically, Mel Gibson who is worth more money than God, was pulled over this past summer for drunk driving and reported to have been making anti-semitic remarks to the police officer on duty. Had this been your average racist, bible-thumping alcoholic, chances are a suspension on his or her licence would have been enforced along with some jail time and a strict fine. However this was not the case, our perpetrator is a well known Hollywood heavyweight and therefore a public slap on the wrist and the obvious poke on late night TV were the blunt of his punishment. The fact of the matter is that Mel's movies have been generating billions of dollars for the media industry which reports(see; controls) things of this nature to the masses. It's a simple rule of not biting the hand that feeds. Had Scott Baio made the same comment, he'd without a doubt be serving a life sentence on death row.

Onto the Juice...and yes, he is in fact loose. O.J. Simpson is publishing a book titled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened". Thankfully someone with a functioning brain has stepped in and it has been cancelled. The book was a confession of a murder O.J. was aquitted of several years ago. Nothing more. Obviously there is no reason for me go into detail about everything wrong with something like this being allowed or even thought of as being good idea. The point is that Orenthal was aquitted because his money and celebrity status bought him his freedom and now he thought he could use that same status to insult everyone with any connection to that case, which includes the families involved (his own children can read about how daddy killed mommy--hypothetically of course) everyone involved in the litigation of the case and the intelligence of the public whom the book was marketed toward. I suppose it's just a matter of time before the next soon-to-be classic Dahmer book is taken away before being given a fair chance; "When I ate the body parts of other human beings whom I'd raped and killed, this is how I cooked it and made love to the rotting corpse shortly thereafter".

"I am Cosmo Kramer, the ass man!"
Foreshadowing is a beautiful thing, especially when it leads to another celebrity downfall. Michael Richards was caught on camera making racist remarks towards two hecklers in the crowd at his gig at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood this past weekend. Referencing lynching and rectal pitch forks Richards was able to single handedly throw himself out of Hollywood. Lest we forget, Michael Richards played Kramer for 9 years on Seinfeld; arguably the biggest TV show in history. The following Monday Jerry Seinfeld came to the rescue of his career on The Late Show with David Letterman when he asked Michael Richards if he would like to come on the show to apologize. Naturally everyone watching got to see the stereotypical celebrity sincerity that shines brightest when John Law comes knocking, topped off with some ridiculous comparisons of his racism to hurricane Katrina. I'm not against Jerry Seinfeld allowing his friend a forum to defend his idiocy, but I am against the fact that because of the clout Seinfeld carries in the entertainment business, there will be no real consequences for someone associated with him. Kramer, you really are an ass...man.

None of the above mentioned celebrities will ever really know what someone who has committed lesser crimes has to go through in order to restore their image and personal life. Whether it's a minor drug offence, picking up a hooker(I was giving her a ride home) or something as serious as murder, the common everyday non-celeb shall forever be destined to stand the full extent of the law.

Here is a brief list of other celebrities who have dodged jail time.

Hugh Grant - prostitution
Eddie Murphy - prostitution (transvestite)
Robert Blake - murder
Kate Moss - narcotics possession
Michael Jackson - child molestation
Paris Hilton - drunk driving, being a whore

There are countless others, but this is all I could think of at the moment.

Self promotion

2006-11-13T00:11:00.000-08:00

Here are the lyrics to a song I'm working on, I'll be playing this one when it's finished as well as others I've written every Wednesday at 'The Vintage Red Rooster Cafe' in Burlington on 484 Plains Rd. E along with my friend Steve Strongman. He's headlining Wednesday night's and is wicked.

(insert your own title here)
No excuses today
Didn't have one yesterday
And tomorrow I know
Will just as soon come and go

It's a pre-chorus section of a ballad I'm working on. I hope you like it. Also in the new year myself and my good friend Tyler Summers (www.tylersummers.com) are also planning acoustic (and potentially full band) songwriter gigs between the Toronto area and eventually in the New York area where he currently resides. That is all for now.

P.S. Meg Banks just called me hot :P

No one else could heal my pain

2006-11-09T00:56:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time a band from the UK called "The LA's" wrote a timeless and beautiful song. Without question we've all heard it before, but most of us have probably dismissed it as cheesy. The truth is 'There She Goes' is every bit as good as any rock/pop song ever written by any other band in history. Many factors contribute to why this or any song is so great, but I'd like to explain as detailed as possible without getting boring about why I think this song has stood up for so many years.

The lyrics of this song are incredibly simple, but this doesn't make them silly or meaningless. They manage to convey the obvious point that the band was going for when writing what turned out to be their biggest and only real hit. A key aspect of what sells the song is something I've found to be a common thread in many songs that manage to reach me, which is the sensitivity you can hear in Lee Mavers voice. It gives this song in particular as well as many others the human touch that I feel is required in all(see; good) music.

Musically the song is made up of a few simple chords, but again this minimalist approach gives the song more of a universal appeal as it doesn't try to go above a listeners head. The dynamics the band use, as well as echoing background vocals are however important in keeping the song from seeming repetitive or flat.

This song was released as a B-side in 1988 but is far from sounding dated and I'm sure it will continue to stand the test of time. As far as simple songs go, The LA's nailed it with this one. Sadly they broke up years ago and have only reformed in mixed combinations of the original members a few times since. I thank them for the music.

Scatterbrain

2006-11-02T11:38:00.000-08:00

Here are 10 things I enjoy that you may or may not know...

1. Whenever it appears a dog is driving a car. This used to happen whenever I'd visit my aunt's farm as a child. People would drive by on the road and you'd see a dog in the front seat but it would block the human actually driving. I've always thought this was hilarious!

2. One night stands. There is something special about the freedom in knowing the person you were with last night PROBABLY won't be there in the morning.

3. Little Caesar's five dollar walk in medium pizza. Finally someone is catering to musicians, now if they'd only stay open past 2am.

4. Jocks with guitars. This is more of a love hate thing, I hate it so much but find it so funny that I have to watch whenever I get the chance.

5. Beaten up instruments.

6. Knowing very few people at a party. There's always much more freedom to mingle without fear of being judged for doing something stupid at a later date.

7. Vince Gill. Fuck he's wicked!

8. Staring at clouds and stars. I've spent many hours I probably could've wasted other ways (jerking off) looking at the sky. It's been a thing of mine for many years and figured I would've grown out of it by now-- I have not. However I have been catching up in other time wasting departments (jerking off).

9. The films of Andy Sidaris. Please take a moment to look up these works of trash. I own 3.

10. Stereotypes. These are the funniest things ever, especially when they're being fulfilled; 'loud mouthed Italian' is one of my personal favourites.

Dan Maclean is next...

2006-10-30T23:10:00.000-08:00

It's only a matter of time before we catch him and that sneaky bugger Matt Hayes!

If I should be short on words and long on things to say...

2006-10-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

Here are some things I think about, you may also choose to think about them, however you may choose to do nothing. Both are acceptable.

Whenever I see the street drying after the rain I start to feel better about things in general because when I was a child I associated that with being able to go outside again.

Everytime you step in the ocean you're immediately bumped off from the top of the food chain.

No matter how important or special a person may have been in your life, their legacy is generally wrapped up in a small 100 word or less obit in the shitty section of a local newspaper. Somehow evil people and fools alike manage to make the front page on a regular basis.

Babies cost far too much to cloth and feed.

How do you spell love? M-O-N-E-Y.

Jazz songs generally have the best titles.

Whenever a group of females are in a photo together, they all line up next to eachother facing sideways and turn their heads towards the camera.

Bob Barker STILL hosts 'The Price is Right'. He even managed to outlive Rod Roddy.

Certain words don't look like they should be words, like 'California'.

It's never a good idea nor is it an excuse to use drugs to 'wash down' other drugs you have taken earlier that night.

Apparently the human nose takes 2 minutes to adjust to any smell. Myth. Last week I met a guy who stunk of piss and was around him for more than 2 minutes, the whole while he continued to destroy my sinuses with his odor. His name was Leo.

When you're rich, being weird is known as eccentric.

Peanut butter and jam on white bread is the most standard of combinations in the sandwich family, but I still love it.

There's no way Rod Roddy was his real name.

To the general public, Ike Turner will forever only be known as the guy who beat up Tina Turner. Odds are she probably deserved it.

Who's going to love you when your looks are gone?

Never trust a man who doesn't swear.

Nobody ever wakes up as pretty as they were when you went to bed with them.

Every night at 4:07 am a man walks down my street. He delivers papers with another man who parks his van on the corner with the lights off. These things used to be delivered by a lady with small children whom she had to bring with her who would sleep in the car while she worked. I miss her but hope she's not doing the job anymore because she's found something better.

I know many girls who share the same name, but with different spellings of it. Sarah, Sara, Sahra. Krista, Christa, Krysta. Ashley, Ashlea, Ashleigh. Ridiculous.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than ass kissing. I can't stand to see someone put on a pedestal who is far from deserving.

Would society and the judicial system go easier on pedophiles if they were destroying the lives of school bullies?

If God exists am I in trouble?

One of my legs is shorter than the other

2006-10-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight I made the mistake of turning on the TV. Even worse I made the bigger mistake of viewing CNN for longer than 20 seconds. However the title of the "report" was 'Porn addictions'. Obviously I was intrigued as I figured there was finally a diagnosis for what I believe myself and several friends of mine all share symptoms of. A man by the name of Robert Weiss appeared on my television and said that porn destorys families.

That stupid son of a bitch deserves a smack in the face. People destroy families, war destroys families, religion destroys families, there are countless other things that you can list which can be held far more responsible for the breakdown of the family unit than pornography. They used an example of one man who on a 'slow week' as he called it viewed porn 3 to 4 times a day. Extreme cases like this are used simply to make a point that doesn't really exist. Something CNN and other right wing parties alike seem to practice with moderate success. The reason for this success is easy; the general public are a bunch of morons. Although many who view a report like that can easily distinguish the difference between legit journalism and the hack work done on networks such as CNN.

Following this story was a 'candid' interview with John Mark Karr as reported on by none other than Larry King. Before I go any further, I should mention something. Larry King is the most pathetic excuse for a journalist/public figure/human being on the face of the earth. As if it weren't bad enough that he has absolutely no ability to do his job as an interviewer or writer, he actually goes out of his way to ask questions which are completely stupid and irrelevant to whatever the subject might be. For example, shortly after a terrorist attack Celine Dion was on the show to air her views on the subject (because the world couldn't wait to hear what a famous singer has to say about politics) and after breaking into some kind of teary fit Larry steps in to ask Celine: "Celine, is there a particular song you want to sing that may help you express your feelings?". In seconds Celine has wiped the water from her eyes and breaks into some bullshit song that vaguely outlines something that in a way might have something to do with terrorism if terrorism involved the word love. Anyway, John Mark Karr is on talking to that senile old fool of a host about how he just wants to be out of the public eye and go on with his life. Yes he actually said that. The man who admitted to having killed a young girl while living in Bangkok this past August. The same man who was clearly doing his best to appear as creepy as possible on his 12 hour flight back to the United States as cameras hovered around his head. The same man who decided that the best way to stay out of the public eye was to go on Larry King and tell people he doesn't want to be in the public eye. People often wonder why I don't watch TV; this is a big part of the reason. By the way Larry King has been divorced 9 times. These people make me sick.

You bred Raptors?

2006-10-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

http://pornotube.com/media.php?m=33413

As if it couldn't get any funnier, the Germans take it one step farther, as they've been known for in history.

Clever girl...munch

2006-09-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

http://pornotube.com/media.php?m=32561

Don't ask.

Muddy Waters invented electricity!!

2006-09-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up preparing to face the inevitable charges my weekend of bad luck had lined up for me. Things weren't as bad as I thought, it was probably the weirdest day of my life. First of all I called about my glasses and did some minor flirting with the girl on the phone and she knocked the price down almost half the cost. Here is a paraphrased run down of the conversation.

Kim @ Glasses store: "I'm not supposed to but I could order them for you at our sale price even though I'm not in that day"

Me: "You'd do that for me Kim?"

Kim: "I'll just put it on my list of things to do on Friday"

Me: "Thanks Kim ;) Talk to you soon."

Second on the agenda was the miserable disaster known as my piece of shit cell phone. I went to the bank to cash a cheque and take out some money from it to add to the money I had in my pocket already that I planned to purchase my phone with. While at the bank I was being served by a teller who always has a bit of an unapproachable attitude and I've always assumed she just doesn't like me. During my transaction my friend James who works at the credit union and asked me how the gigs went at Slaintes this weekend and told me he couldn't make it down due to a funeral. The teller (her name is Tanya or Tonya, I forget) suddenly became interested and asked about the band and said she'd heard of it. I further introduced myself and mentioned where we were playing and gave her my website. Seems I had some mojo workin' today.

Made it to the Bell store to find a phone and have my number changed over to it. For some reason the girl whom I'd spoken to many times before in there was rather flirtatious and quite quick to joke. Anyway, the grand total for my purchase plus all the other bullshit service charges was $204.01. I reached down into my pocket and pulled out every bit of cash I had on me...it was exactly $204.01.......eerie. Realizing my day had just taken a bigger jump into the deep end of weird I made my way out but was stopped temporarily with shock when the girl working said "bye Chris". See you later Selina;)

Got to work and begun to add my phone numbers from my old phone to my new one while sitting on a rather uncomfortable stool and began to think to myself "my back is aching, I really should see a chiropractor". A few seconds later a students father came into to wait for his childs lesson to end and we began chatting as we tend to do whenever we see eachother. We ended up on the topic of business and he mentioned he ran his own business...he's a chiropractor. Weirder still.

Back track to last night, I read a fantastic joke, it goes like this: Two men are talking and one mentions he had a recent Freudian slip at the train station when he asked for a 'picket to Tittsburgh'. His friend replied that he had a similar slip at breakfast that morning with his wife, when instead of asking her to 'please pass the toast honey' he said 'you bitch, you've ruined my life!! After reading this joke I told myself that I really have to remember it, sadly I did not...until....
One of my students was packing up his guitar to go home and he told me a similar joke: A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I enjoyed a good laugh at that joke as well but still held back on my joke, until his father began suddenly talking about the Pittsburgh Steelers. They reminded me of the joke.

For some reason today it seemed I was connected in some strange universal way to everyone I spoke to. However my mojo can only go so far I suppose, as here I am alone tonight writing a blog about it. Goddamnit.

I saw your friend first, that's who I danced with

2006-09-27T00:40:00.000-07:00

Karma is an interesting thing. While deep down I don't believe myself to be a total prick, I have done some things which some people might say aren't particularly "good". To avoid getting into details of my past bastardom I think I'll just explain that I have been served a hot facial of karma this weekend. Lost my glasses($), broke part of my guitar(more$), cell phone one step from broken(still more$) and finally worst of all, I've been put in a situation where power is out of my hands. Being a bit of a control freak I tend to stress over things that I cannot manage on my own terms and it turns everything surrounding my life into one big mess. Perhaps writing this blog and bringing this problem out in the open will help rid me of this in the future? As of now however, I am the star of this bukkake film of hard times. What really bothers me is that there's an excellent chance that I will learn nothing from this and all of my bad habits and tendencies will remain fully in tact, or perhaps even stronger than before.

On another note, over the course of my blogging history, I have been titling many(most) of my blogs with lyrics from songs to which the title or message of the song is appropriate to the topic of my writing. Birthday boy Jeff Comer is the only one who has ever really seemed to notice this, but I thought I'd point it out as an excuse to mention Jeff's birthday in my blog.

So continues my fascination with the bizarre...

2006-09-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

This is great.

http://www.fat-pie.com/spoilsminus2.htm

Now it's getting fucking ridiculous

2006-09-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm an animal lover, but there's a time and a place for everything. Today I rolled out of bed around 1pm and headed for the washroom to enjoy myself a piss. Let me cut to the chase, while relieving myself I hear the patter of 4 small feet. I keep my cool from the obvious shock so is not to drench the walls in urine. Upon opening the door I see a small Yorkshire Terrier staring up at me. Naturally my first reaction was "Deb, what the fuck is this dog doing here?". Turns out a friend of my mother's has gone to Malta for 10 days and we're dog-sitting. The dog is a female, however named Sparrow. That didn't work with me so for the next 10 days this dog will be known as Francine whether it likes it or not. Ironically on my way out of the house today I managed to step in some fresh hot piss. It seems like I was meant for a run in with the substance today, my own species or not. Here is a picture of Franny; she is so old (how old is she?) that she no longer has any teeth causing her tongue to constantly hang out of the side of her mouth. At first I just assumed she was retarded, I guess you learn something new everyday.

It's Only Castles Burning

2006-09-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today a friend of mine who also writes a blog told me a story of how one of his readers was shocked and dissapointed by a piece of writing he had done some time ago. Naturally my friend was very upset, as this person is a friend of his and he would never want to do anything to upset them. He asked me to post their conversation in my blog just to show that he can accept criticism of his work and holds no hard feelings towards any form of tongue lashing he may or may not have received in the process. Mr. X still loves you Mrs. Y :)

Mrs. X says:
I have nothing to say to you today
Mr. Y says:
why is that?
Mrs. X says:
cause you are a 22 year old sexually over active man, but I guess that is what you do.
Mr. Y says:
sexually over active, i wish
Mrs. X
it was explained to me in detail this morning
Mrs. X says:
i had a girl buy me a drink last night and make it apparent she wanted to take me home, but i did not go home with her!
Mrs. X says:
right
Mr. Y says:
haha who explained it? let me guess
Mrs. X says:
nope
Mrs. X says:
I said over active not under active
Mrs. X says:
it was a mutual acquaintance
Mrs. X says:
you see, I am at a point where I have regressed, used to think men were okay even sometimes, then I read your blog
Mrs. X says:
and realize I don't understand a god damn thing
Mr. Y says:
hahaha
Mrs. X says:
I am not laughiing
Mr. Y says:
my blog is everything that is wrong with the world then?
Mrs. X says:
no just men
Mrs. X says:
and the effffffinnnn way they regard women
Mrs. X says:
no respect
Mrs. X says:
that is okay though, I guess I had to learn sometime
Mr. Y says:
i have plenty of respect for women
Mr. Y says:
i love women, my grandma was the best!
Mrs. X says:
no you do not, by the way you are banned from ever speaking to, dating or being within 50 yards of my sweet daughter(s)
Mr. Y says:
and i have several girlfriends whom i hold in the highest regard
Mrs. X says:
I can't write this but I just made a sound like a horse
Mr. Y says:
noted
Mr. Y says:
i have to ask, which blog entry put your hatred for men over the top?
Mr. Y says:
secondly i want to know who this mutual friend is, we only have one or two
Mrs. X says:
everyone loves their grandmother
Mr. Y says:
thats not true
Mr. Y says:
some punch their grandmothers in the face
Mrs. X says:
jesus
Mrs. X says:
okay it was the Jenna Revenge one
Mr. Y says:
you realize it was a porno review right?
Mrs. X says:
its like you effin guys buy right the fuck into that porn shit in such a big way
Mr. Y says:
you realize that porn stars are dead on the inside right?
Mr. Y says:
and that my blog regarding the porno was written strictly for laughs
Mrs. X says:
but if you could invest some time into a decent relationship without the BIG fear of commitment then you wouldn't have to wack yourselves off on movie night so much
Mr. Y says:
and that my blog regarding the porno was written strictly for laughs
Mrs. X says:
sorry but that is what I am getting out of all this
Mr. Y says:
i didn't whack off to that, my friend shari sat there and watched me take notes on it
Mrs. X says:
easy tiger, you are getting a bit defensive now
Mrs. X says:
rightfully so though
Mr. Y says:
not at all
Mr. Y says:
i love porn
Mr. Y says:
ya hear me?! LOVE IT
Mrs. X says:
You see I live in this fairy tale world on Franklin way
Mr. Y says:
but i can draw the line between porn and reality, i've ordered enough pizzas to figure things out
Mrs. X says:
and you are now making me think outside the box
Mr. Y says:
i apologize for that
Mrs. X says:
I want to go back in the box
Mrs. X says:
its better to be enlightened then naive
Mrs. X says:
my friends say I am too naive
Mrs. X says:
actually I think most of it is funny, but I think I am tired of men
Mr. Y says:
thats fine
Mrs. X says:
you just happen to qualify as one
Mr. Y says:
so my blog put you over the line?
Mrs. X says:
you and that Hank
Mr. Y says:
you leave Hank out of this!!!
i had no idea my writing was so powerful
Mr. Y says:
i'm strangely flattered
Mrs. X says:
oh don't give yourself too much credit, I was well on my way
Mrs. X says:
I am not mad at you by the way
Mrs. X says:
thankful for the opportunity to learn how the male mind works
Mr. Y says:
not all of them
Mr. Y says:
just my hilarity
Mr. Y says:
or 'raditude' as some might say

*Any editing has been done only to increase coherency and laughter.*

This world is only gonna break your heart

2006-09-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

I've never been a big fan of Chris Isaak, never bothered to buy any of his albums or watch his TV show. He's never struck me as a particularly talented instrumentalist or singer now that I think about it. Since 1989 he's managed to make a name for himself on the success of one hit song, which is a lot more than most one hit wonders have ever managed to do with their careers. The difference between a man like Chris Isaak and a man like Ricky Martin is one thing. Isaak wrote a beautiful song. For this alone I have no problems overlooking anything else the man has done in his career that I'm not very fond of.

Tonight while watching late night talk shows I turned on 'The Late Late Show' and saw that Chris Isaak was about to perform. I assumed it'd be standard routine, Chris would play a single from one of his many other 'filler' albums which he tends to put out fairly regularly and I would turn it off seconds into the performance. This was not the case; this evening I was greeted with an inspired performance of 'Wicked Game' that reminded me why this man is still allowed to exist in the music industry. For the next four minutes and five seconds I'd forgotten about all the other less than astounding projects Chris has been involved in throughout his career.

Many times it's not unusual to see an entertainer (I refrain from using the word artist as this is a term that I hold in high regard) with a look of disdain in their eyes when they play the song that brought them fame and fortune in the first place. Much of this can be attributed to the performer's lack of sincerity or simply being sick of their own tune. What Chris and his entire band seem to realize is that if you're making a living based on a single song, that you would be shooting yourself in the foot by not performing it to the best of your abilities. Mission accomplished. If there were ever a one hit wonder who can be proud of the song which gained them their notoriety, it is indeed Chris Isaak. People like Ricky Martin and his ilk will be able to look back on how quickly they acquired so much wealth and fame and how much quicker they fell out of the public eye. Chris Isaak will always have his piece of art.

In Keb We Trust

2006-09-14T01:16:00.000-07:00

"Everytime I meet a lady
I wanna try to get to know
either I'm too small or
She's too tall
She's rich and I'm po'..."
-Keb' Mo'

This is one of many possible scenarios a man will run across in his life. More specifically the last line regarding money. Tonight some friends and I were having a talk about past relationships/dates etc. It got me to thinking about several (see; numerous) incidents that involved talking to an attractive female at a gig of mine and having her ask about what my fulltime profession was. These days everyone is a musician, the guy in your office with a guitar, the people who know a few tunes that they sing at karaoke and various other hacks that can be found in local bars. Why not be a musician? It's a cool thing to do isn't it? Free booze, fun times, and chicks dig it right? Wrong. Women are only interested in men who do not make music a fulltime career. Sound negative? Read on...

I spent a few minutes this evening recounting several conversations I can remember having where a girl was interested in chatting, up until the point where they found out that this was my form of income. There are also times I can recall the most famous of all loaded questions 'what do you do?' which loosely translates into 'how much do you make?'. The more examples of this I thought of the more I started to feel down about my life in general. This is where Keb' Mo' steps in. After listening to this song I felt better about myself. Thankyou Keb'.

"But if nobody loves you
and you feel like dust on an empty shelf
just remember
you can love yourself"
-Keb' Mo'

There's a Praying Mantis in my bathroom....again, this is not a metaphor...

2006-09-12T00:42:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been reading this blog since I started I'm sure you're aware of the relationship I've formed with a local 'coon. His name is Hank, he sits on my roof on occassion just outside of my bathroom window and smiles at me. I smile back.

Today I was greeted by a very different member of the animal kingdom. Winston as he has been dubbed was spotted post shower poking his head out of a fake plant that sits on the counter in my bathroom, where I'm best known for things such as brushing my teeth, shaving, cutting my nails and beating my dick like it owes me money. How he got inside and into that room of all places is still a mystery to me, but I'm not mad, much like Hank he was very respectful of my space and didn't intrude on my morning(1pm) routine. Naturally I took a few photos of Winston to share with all who read this, I hope you enjoy them.

The photo above shows Winston in the plastic cup/junk mail storage facility I McGyver'd up for his transport to his new home in the real garden outdoors. See you around my friend.

Public Safety Announcement

2006-09-10T00:39:00.000-07:00

...still not worthy....

2006-09-09T00:56:00.000-07:00

Ok maybe Setzer is tied for coolest person alive...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJrnXRpMIEM

I'm not worthy...

2006-09-08T01:29:00.000-07:00

In case you were wondering who the coolest person alive was...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyHX7m0mn4U

The facts/rules of life...as I've come to understand

2006-09-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

Throughout my life I have learned many lessons, some of these through first hand experience and others through the accounts of friends and acquaintances. Here are a few that I feel are important.

1. Never pay a hooker her full rate up front. This sounds simple enough but you'll be surprised how fast a hooker can run, even if with a pocket full of your toonies.

2. You cannot eat pizza with the same hand that you use to wipe your ass. This is pretty self explanatory, think about it next time you're eating pizza. I'm sure this one ruined a few future meals for you.

3. Women love money. Yup, that's it.

4. A flat tire isn't truly flat until you stop the car.

5. If you were always the first one picked to find people in a game of 'Hide and Seek', you are unlikeable.

6. Your parents may LOVE you, but they really don't LIKE you one bit.

7. You will only ever need money when you have none.

8. When pig roasting a female, high fives are cool, pats on the back are not.

9. God does not want your money.

10. Eyes up and away at a urinal. If in some unfortunate event the male code is broken and you end up immediately next to another man in the bathroom, your eyes cannot look down, periferral vision can be a dangerous thing.

11. Own a dog, a cat doesn't give a shit about you and when you die it will eat you. I'm not making that up.

12. "Be excellent to eachother"- Bill & Ted

13. Nobody knows you when you're down and out.

14. Rick James was many things, but a liar he was not. Cocaine IS a hell of a drug and he IS a superfreak.

15. There is more vitamin C in a red pepper than an orange.

16. When turning down a womans proposal for marriage, make sure you watch her leave. Al Green made this mistake and suffered serious burns from hot grits while in the shower.

17. Don't fry bacon in the nude. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

18. Women do not want to hear about a man's life. Do not waste time talking about yourself, it will not get you laid.

19. Avoid wasting money on therapists and psychiatrists, animals are much better listeners (except for cats). If the animal answers you, you're fucking crazy. There, I just saved you thousands!

20. Everything in moderation, even moderation.

21. Falling out of love happens faster and more suddenly than falling in love, think about that!

22. You can have more than one first impression, however it involves wearing a disguise.

23. All of your feelings in life can be explained in a Willie Nelson song.

24. If you leave yourself open to insults...I will insult you....Brett will too.

25. If she's not going to swallow it, put it in her eye. One snub deserves another, this really puts the phrase 'eye for an eye' into real world situations.

Hope these help.

4:35am

2006-09-04T01:44:00.000-07:00

What else does a person who stays up till 4:35am have to write about? Hank of course. He just ran by with his mother. That is all.

The return of Hank

2006-09-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

I was spiffing myself up for my gig tonight and Hank made a cameo appearance in my bathroom window. He was looking well, perhaps trying to find shelter from the rain. Immediately I ran and grabbed my camera for a quick photo opportunity, but was having minimal success due to the weather. Hank left following the two flashes from my camera. It was good to see him again.

The Monkey

2006-09-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

Three monkeys sat on a coconut tree
Discussing things as they are said to be
Said one to the other, now listen you two
There is a certain rumour that can't be true
That man descended from our noble race
The very idea is a big disgrace
No monkey ever deserted his wife
Nor her baby and ruin her life
Yeah..the monkey speaks his mind

And you never known a mother monk
To leave her baby causing it to plunk
Nor pass them on one to another
Till they scarcely knew who was their mother
Yeah...the monkey speaks his mind

And another thing you will never see
A monkey build a fence around a coconut tree
And let all the coconuts go to waste
Forbidding all other monkeys to come and taste
Now if I build a fence around this tree
Starvation will cause you to steal from me
Yeah..the monkey speaks his mind

Here is another thing a monkey won't do
Go out at night and get on a stew
Or use a gun a club or a knife
To take another monkey's life

Yes man descended the worthless bum
But my god brothers from us he did not come

Yeah..the monkey speaks his mind

Fun with syllogism

2006-08-30T23:33:00.000-07:00

1.) Koala's get high.
2.) Sometimes I get high.
3.) I am like a Koala.

1.) Bukkake is messy.
2.) Tacos are messy.
3.) Tacos taste like bukakke.

1.) Hookers don't kiss on the mouth.
2.) Neither do nuns.
3.) Mother Teresa is a two bit hooker.

1.) I'm going to hell for that last one.
2.) I'm going to hell for that last one.
3.) I'll have my own wing in hell.

1.) Women are unstable.
2.) Boyfriends get angry.
3.) I fear for my safety.

1.) Crack is inexpensive.
2.) Homeless people don't have much money.
3.) Homeless people enjoy crack.

1.) James Dean smoked.
2.) James Dean is cool.
3.) Smoking is cool.

1.) Meter maids are scum.
2.) Everyone hates scum.
3.) Everyone hates meter maids.

1.) Everyone breathes oxygen.
2.) Even Adolf Hitler.
3.) You are the same as Adolf Hitler.

1.) A Donkeypunch is not performed by a donkey.
2.) Donkey's do not have fists.
3.) They're still rad.

1.) Political parties are not actual parties.
2.) Political parties do not have beer.
3.) Politicians are lame.

1.) Tom Cruise is crazy.
2.) Tom Cruise is a Scientologist.
3.) Scientologists are crazy.

1.) Women like money.
2.) I lack money.
3.) Single I shall remain.

Stay tuned for more...

Je N'en Connais Pas La Fin

2006-08-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Sal said something very profound, as he always seems to. "B.B. King has found eternal life". It instantly made sense. We began discussing him and other people like him in art/science/politics who will forever be remembered because of what they did and what they have left behind for the world. People spend far too much time worrying about how much money they make and all of their material possessions to consider how they will be remembered by those who knew them. I started thinking about a friend my grandfather told me he had. This man was worth millions and millions of dollars. He was a self-made man and had achieved great success in his career before his death. After telling me all this my grandfather asked me "how much of it do you think he took with him?". Followed by "there were five of us at his funeral, so you can see how popular he was". That man's legacy was explained in two sentences. I don't want to be that man.

She said you and me are over, if you're getting high tonight

2006-08-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

Despite popular belief I am not a heartless son of a bitch...all the time. I like animals. Not snakes though, fuck them. I also enjoy children. Ok that last one was a lie, but I tried. The truth is I like more things than I let on, this issue was brought to my attention by a friend of mine a day ago. Instead of trying to tell you about things I like I'll make a short list of things I dislike.

Ignorance
Arrogance
Hippies
Yuppies
Religious Fundamentalists
Cops (see; glorified bouncer)
Sex offenders
Black licorice
Star Trek
Clingers
Hamilton
People who somehow think they know everything about everything.
Crackheads
Fat strippers (oh, they exist!)
Thieves
Flat tires
Being poor
Liars
Stubbed toes
Sleazy club owners
Transvestites
Government (see; 'The Man')
Winter
NRB's -- this is a term I've coined myself, it stands for 'No Reason Brakers'; these are the folks who brake on the highway or street for no conceivable reason whatsoever.
Frat boys
'Emo' music
Meter maids
Disease
Elevator farters
Wealthy suburban white kids dressed and acting like rappers. I'm aware there's a term for this but I prefer not to use it.
Funerals
Loneliness
Crying girls
Hangovers
White Power
Black Power
Brown Power
Asian Power
Stepping in dog shit
Blue balls
Depression
Public washrooms
1930's era porno (don't ask)
Nickelback
Colds
Fevers
Cough medicine
Insincerity
Scientology
Necrophilia
Speed limits
Backstabbers
Cowards
Frenchmen
NRB's --this is different than the other NRB, this one stands for 'No Reason Boners'. These just don't make sense.
Vomit
Crying girls
Being tired
Yellow snow
Internet slang
Carnival folk
Motley Crue

This list got longer than I thought and hoped it would. I'll have to follow it up with a list of what I enjoy in my next blog.

P.S. Many of my blog titles have a sort of hidden code as to what the blog is really about, so far Jeff Comer is the only person who has mentioned noticing one of these.

No rocket's gonna fly that high

2006-08-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now and forget all about
The pressure of days, do what I say
And I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head

People you've been before that you
Don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again, between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there, with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Seperate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

People you've been before that you
Don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

...

2006-08-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

Joe!

2006-08-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

Today is Joe Strummer's birthday.

...and that's how I found out the transvestite was pregnant...

2006-08-15T18:59:00.000-07:00

Looking back in music history we can see that the biggest bands were all very capable of being able to perform their own music live. For many years this has become something of a lost art. Performers in recent years have lacked the ability and worse, the concern/care to put any effort into learning their craft. It seems that after the whole grunge movement people didn't seem to care about being proficient at anything other than marketing their songs. The way I view it is that if you're selling a song that you wrote (or was written for you by a group of producers as is usually the case) you're selling a piece of yourself. Not being able to do justice to the music that for whatever reason, a group of people enjoy, is a complete insult to both the audience and music in general.

This brings me to my next point, there is far too much pretension in mainstream music. The best example of this is a band known as "Angels and Airwaves". Possibly the most self-righteous and self-indulgent band on the planet. The worst part about the pretentious nature of this band is the fact that they have absolutely nothing to be proud of. As a band they have accomplished nothing more than putting out an album on the strength of the lead singer Tom Delonge's previous band Blink182. Mr. Delonge has made it publicly known that he feels Blink182, which made him ridiculous amounts of money and legions of fans was nothing more than a stepping stone to his current project. Let me say I am not never was nor will I ever be a fan of Blink182, but I respect the other two members of that band who understand what it was and don't try to make any excuses for the musical poison they were once a part of.

To further illustrate my point I've found a few examples of a talented rock band by the name of Jane's Addiction and compared them with Angels and Airwaves. In the Jane's music video you will see a video of a band in a room playing their instruments much like what happens at their shows. In the Angels and Airwaves music video you will see a video of a band...IN OUTER SPACE! Followed by Tom skipping through beautiful meadows like the pillow-biter he is. Back to my original point it seems that bad music is impossible to hide behind flashy 'artsy' videos as you can see in the live performances I've provided below. Jane's Addiction use their talent and put on a great performance on the Late Show, where as Delonge and Co. manage to spit in the face of music fans on national television. In closing I'd like to say that these talentless motherfuckers along with all the other acts out their who refuse to put any time into live performance should be shot and pissed on. Fallout Boy, I'm looking in your direction.

Music videos:

Angels and Airwaves
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JXlJhVyYGo
Jane's Addiction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei11tUzSeoA

Live:

Angels and Airwaves
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87BVrixWdNM
Jane's Addiction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i0WeUoG0Oo

But when I want to see you baby, how come you lock your door on me?! Oww!

2006-08-09T20:29:00.001-07:00

This past Saturday my band played Wally's Tavern in Guelph. I received an email from the woman who books us there and she told me what the bartender had to say about us that night. A great email which myself and a few others were able to get a cheap laugh from.

just for your info
i got a complaint from an older guy who is a regular but here is what bartender says...
but all in all a good night
should be better in the fall

give me a sat in sept and we will rebook

thanks dawn

This is the email from the woman who books Wally's. She likes us. The one below is the bartender who was working that night.

Chris was good but just a bit too loud, not overbearing. Twice I asked him to turn it down, and he said yes, but I didn't notice any real difference. The crowd liked him .

That email brings an ear to ear grin to my face, thought I'd share it with you.

Just what you are beneath a star

2006-08-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

Perfection is a moving target, unless you're Nick Drake. Most people aren't aware of who this man is but he is by far the most overlooked talent in musical history. Through the late 1960's and early 70's Nick was a folk singer who had little success with the music industry, however he managed to release some of the most amazing music ever. In November 1974 Nick died of an overdose of Tryptizol, an anti-depressant he had been using on and off for several years, at this point in his life he was using it to help him sleep. It has never been determined whether his death was accidental or suicide.

In 1972 Nick recorded his third studio album entitled 'Pink Moon'. To me this album represents an artist who is absolutely in touch with who they are and where they stand in the universe. The album itself is only 28 minutes and 30 seconds long. That seems to be all the time Nick really needed to show who he was to whomever wanted to listen. Nick's ability to blend beautiful melodies and complex acoustic folk progressions is astonishing. I've owned this album for a number of years now and hadn't listened to it in a while, today I felt I had to write about it. Instead of using a million different adjectives and superlatives to describe the talent and genius of this album my best advice is to go buy a copy. Everytime I listen to it, my life seems to make a little more sense. Nick had it all figured out.

This link may jog some of your memories as to where you may have heard of him before. Sadly his greatest commercial (no pun intended) success came 25 years after his death.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIOW9fLT9eY

I bought a sequined suit from a pearly queen

2006-08-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite things about flipping through a new album by any artist I enjoy is reading their song titles. Most people underestimate how important a good title really is, many times it's a factor in whether you'd like to hear a particular song or not. I feel that many artists are being overlooked by key demographics due to their choice in song titles. My first example is a song that I hold very near to my heart, it's a story about one man and his entrance back into society after serving time in a penitentiary. The song recollects days growing up in a rough part of town and lost love. While very descriptive and to the point, the title "Bitches ain't shit" just doesn't have the ring of some of the more classic songs dealing with the same theme. N.W.A. obviously make their point known that the love of his life was very important to him up until the day he found her with his cousin. Back in the '50's The Flamingos recorded the hit song 'I only have eyes for you', a song that while very different in title, is basically the same topic; passion.

The Flamingos - I only have eyes for you

"My love must be a kind of blind love
I can't see anyone but you
Sha bop sha bop
Are the stars out tonight?
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright
'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear"

N.W.A. - Bitches ain't shit

"Move up the block as we groove down the block
See my girl's house, Dre, pass the glock
Kick in the door, I look on the floor
It's my little cousin Daz and he's fuckin' my hoe
I uncocked my shit...
I'm heart-broke but I'm still locked
Man, fuck that bitch!"

Both of these lyrics illustrate a focus on one woman who is/was indeed loved by a man; a man blinded by love and filled with the kind of passion that only love can bring. While the first example is a reknowned classic, an equally well written piece of work is overlooked simply because of its title.

Even well known and respected artists fall victim to society's inability to see things from both sides of the fence. Frank Zappa, one of the most respected and prolific artists of any time had trouble getting a lot of his work across to the mainstream. Zappa's work is not for everyone granted, but he did manage to write about many universal situations where other artists have succeeded. In 1969 Elvis recorded a song called "Don't cry daddy" on his album 'The Memphis Record'. The song is about a man losing his wife and his children comforting him in his time of sadness. There is a mutual care going between the characters in the song, each doing all they can for eachother to cope with their loss.

Elvis Presley - Don't cry daddy

"Today I stumbled from my bed
With thunder crashing in my head
My pillow still wet
From last night tears
And as I think of giving up
A voice inside my coffee-cup
Kept crying out
Ringing in my ears

Don't cry daddy
Daddy, please don't cry
Daddy, you've still got me and little Tommy
Together we'll find a brand new mommy
Daddy, daddy, please laugh again
Daddy ride us on your back again
Oh, daddy, please don't cry"

Frank Zappa - Broken hearts are for assholes

"Some of you might not agree
'cause you probably likes a lot of misery
But think a while and you will see...
Broken hearts are for assholes
Broken hearts are for assholes
Are you an asshole?
Broken hearts are for assholes
Are you an asshole too?
Whatcha gonna do, 'cause you're an asshole..."

Frank's lyrical work in this song is essentially saying what Elvis is thinking while singing the line '..daddy please don't cry..". The only problem Frank had was pleasing the masses with a title that would dumb down the true feeling you have when some skank runs out on you.

While the vast majority of people may never give these songs a second look I hope that all who read this will think twice before dismissing a song with a title like 'Titties and beer'.

I may be slightly less of a failure than I thought

2006-07-31T12:05:00.000-07:00

This week my band played the cougar bar of all cougar bars in Burlington. The difficulty in playing to this type of crowd is to keep them dancing, which we managed to do. My mother brought our neighbour and two of her cousins out to the gig, it was a Thursday night and there was nothing better to do. It's a rare occassion when Deb makes it out to a gig so naturally I was shocked to see her. Three shows later it's Sunday afternoon and I'm just getting home from my Saturday night of sin and debauchery. As I pull up to my house I see Deb and her father pulling out of the garage to go run some errands. We stop and chat for a moment and my grandfather says that Deb has been speaking highly of me to him regarding music. My grandfather being the badass he is begins to tell me about his days as a musician and how he imagines some of that must have rubbed off on me. Looking at Deb I can see that she wants to drive away as my grandfather is probably about to say something she doesn't want me to hear...he does. Apparently during some earlier talk of my grandfathers music career in relation to mine Deb was heard to remark '"He's better than you were". No doubt Deb didn't want me to find out she said something like that as she'd much rather have me selling crack or making porn or selling crack to porn stars than playing music for a living. Either way it made me feel good to know I'm not a complete write off in her eyes.

Womb with a view

2006-07-31T01:03:00.000-07:00

Gene Simmons has nothing on GWAR, these guys were not only better musicians (that's really saying nothing at all) than KISS, but they took the marketing machine 10 steps further. With albums titled 'Scum Dogs of the Universe', 'America must be destroyed' and 'War party' amongst others, these guys have proven for years that the music industry is the biggest sham ever. I prefer their gimmick to most others you'll find in modern music. Possibly the smartest band in history, GWAR found their niche and have drained it for every dime it's worth ever since. Enjoy the clip of them humouring a pre-alien-faced Joan Rivers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWRKlNlRsgI

Greatest laugh...............ever!

2006-07-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCAKAj829Wc

Catch the blue train, places never been before...

2006-07-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

I'm going insane, wire by wire, completely fucking insane. On a brighter note, tonight was the warmest rain I've ever been in at 4am, I'm considering going for another douche in it.

.....Catch the blue train, all the way to Kokomo...

Blue skies smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see

2006-07-24T15:10:00.000-07:00

Woke up, went to visit my friend Neen at the music store and return something I had borrowed from him. Bought a pizza...ate most of it. Went to Chapters to flip through magazines and see if there was anything worth purchasing; there wasn't, but I always enjoy the drive. Came home and laid on my front lawn under a tree with my guitar, it was fantastic. I took a few photos as it was a rather picturesque outside. It was the most peaceful day I've had in a long long time.

Blue skies smilin' at me
Nothin' but blue skies do I see
Bluebirds singin' a song
Nothin' but bluebirds all day long

Never saw the sun shinin' so bright
Never saw things goin' so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you're in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone
Nothin' but blue skies from now on
Blue skies smilin' at me
Nothin' but blue skies do I see

Never saw the sun shinin' so bright
Never saw things goin' so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you're in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone
Nothin' but blue skies from now on
Nothin' but blue skies from now on

Film Review: Jenna's Revenge

2006-07-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

So what potentially would've wound up another lonely miserable night in what has been turning into my miserable life became a night with a friend watching some good old fashioned hardcore pornography. Two days ago my good friend and bassist D. Jay Moons brought me a vhs tape from his collection. The film had a familiar title and I was immediately pleased to realize that I was familiar with many of the scenes in this film, however had somehow missed the plot despite countless viewings. I imagine this is a problem for anyone else who watches movies in 20 minute intervals. Regardless Shari and I sat down and I took notes in my book of songs.

The film had a few plot twists which at times felt out of place when placed between some of the more emotional scenes. The opening scene finds Barbara (Jenna Jameson--yet for some reason the film is still named after her real name) our main character dressed in a rather conservative business suit walking into a bar. "What do I have to do to get a drink around here?" Barbara asks. She approaches a man sitting by himself at the bar and they begin to speak of a mutual acquaintance who has informed Barbara that he is in fact a hitman. Apparently Barbara is looking to have her husband whacked *snicker*. The scene flips to Barbara performing oral sex on her husband--he cums on her face. Magical. After a bit of verbal coaxing he finally gives her his card and tells him to call her if she is truly in need of his services. He gets in his hummer (the truck) and drives off.

Producer/Director/Writer Brad Armstrong takes the next scene to give insight into the man whom is the object of Barbara's anger. In this scene he is with a business associate and persuades his assistant (Jilly Kelly) to perform sexual favours for him as a welcoming into their partnership. The man goes through a series of standard sexual practices shortly before plunging his manhood deep into her ass. She appears to enjoy this, he then cums on her stomach. Excellent.

Barbara's husband returns home and is greeted with anger and hostility. His first assumption is that she is off her meds and suggest calling Dr. Stevens; to which Barbara replies "perhaps you and Dr. Stevens should go fuck eachother". After a bit more shouting our hero is seen eavesdropping on a calling between her husband and the MD. Needless to say she was not too pleased by this.

Eleven o'clock that night Barbara calls the man with the hummer (the truck) and claims she's in constant fear of her husband. The deal is that for $20,000 he can kill him. Shortly after this Barbara has another bizarre fit and cuts off a substantial portion of her hair (crazy bitch). The following day she is greeted by her husband with a gift; a blindfold. After blindfolding and walking her out poolside he proceeds to remove her clothes and stimulate her breasts. While her eyes are still covered he signals to a third party, a female who comes in to take over where he has begun. This woman continues to satisfy Barbara while she remains oblivious to what is going on around her. After several minutes of cunnilingus as performed by the mistress Barbara removes her blindfold to find that her husband has been servicing his own needs from behind the other woman. Again, Barbara over reacts and storms off, her husband finishes what he has started. He cums on her face. Wicked.

The director then takes us to the sub-plot of our hitman back at the bar recieving a phone call from Barbara saying that she is displeased with his lack of killing. After some brief arguing Barbara gives him a hummer (not the truck) and they proceed to have intercourse on the hood of his hummer (the truck). The look of satisfaction paired with the convincing moans that Ms. Jameson delivers in this scene can only lead a man to believe shes genuinely enjoying herself, something that has set her apart in the porn industry. The hitman cums in her hair eventually lands some on her face. Rad.

The plot thickens when Barbara returns home to an angry husband whom apparently had her followed and confronts her about her illicit rendezvous. She earns herself a smack in the face (whammy). Our bruised leading lady tracks down her hitman once again and tips him off that a great place to perform the hit would be at a party he has planned for that night as there will be many people who could be considered suspects, thereby lowering his chances of being caught. He insists this probably isn't a good idea but is far too sympathetic for her after seeing the marks left on her lower jaw and cheek. He agrees to do as she says and goes off to prepare, Barbara returns to her car and removes the bruises with a tissue and fat wad of spit, which was truly a charming piece of footage.

Party time! Armstrong does a good job of creating the party atmosphere at the home while using minimal cast. I feel this is achieved with the use of costume (or lack there of) on some of the female guests, there is an erotic sexual tension in the air. Meanwhile on his way to the party the hitman recounts his own actions considering that he may be foolish to have gotten involved with the woman who is paying him to end her husbands life. After this brief reflection of a man torn between his profession and what he believes may be true love the scene cuts back to the bar where a cook and another man are having sex with one woman on the pool table. She is penetrated in both her vagina and ass simultaneously and recieves a dousing of semen on both her face as well as her buttox. Lovely. This scene is interrupted by the hitman stopping in for some last minute guidance from his bartender friend in whom he confides.

Yet again the director skips back to the party already in progress. At times the jumping between settings can get slightly confusing as you're not sure whose parts belong to who, but I suppose that's part of the fun. An orgy is in progress, this was a great way to convey that everyone at the party is indeed having a good time, except for Barbara. She is awaiting the climax (I wish I had a better word) of the night. One woman has cum squirted on her ass and the other on her face, this momentarily worries the viewer into thinking the third female of the five involved won't get her fair share, this is simply untrue, the woman with a face full of love decides to kiss the girl who was left dry otherwise. Whether this was in the script or simply ad-libbed does not change the fact that it was cinematic brilliance. True romance.

After the night has wrapped up, Barbara's husband can be seen asleep still in his clothes on the couch. The hitman enters and points a gun at him, he wakes shocked and Barbara comes running down, blowing his cover. Her husband pleads for his life and insists that his wife is in fact crazy and offers to double whatever she has offered him for the hit. Barb pulls out a gun and say "if you don't kill him I'll do it myself". At this point our hitman finally realizes what a dysfunctional whore Jenna's character really is and we're lead into a Mexican standoff. The camera cleverly pans away and we the audience hear a scream "NNNNNOOOOOO".

The movie closes with Barbara shovelling dirt on top of a pair of body bags, it appears as if she has killed both men and absorbed their belongings, like the hitman's hummer (the truck) as well as her husbands vast fortune. The viewer is left with an uneasy feeling when they realize that all narration and inner monologue pertaining to the hitman was indeed from beyond the grave. Production values were quite good in this film and the scenes involving his now wife Jenna Jameson (that son of a bitch) were spectacular as she was in top form. The only thing that could've made this film more enjoyable was a hummer of my own.

The craziest fucking thing I've ever seen

2006-07-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

Just watch....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3Yaoe5273s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQ9zY8koOyA

The only thing almost as bad as Shirley's insanity is the fools at CNN/Fox news who:
A.) allow her air time on the network
B.) get into shouting matches with her
C.) allow her air time on the network

I'm a cousin of a whore!

2006-07-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

Apparently son of a bitch was too harsh on Deb as I'm told by my friends here (miserable fucks). That is all for now.

Whammy.

Last night I fingered a cougar...

2006-07-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

Of course by that I mean, I flipped her the middle finger in the middle of our set. Some ignorant bitch of a woman was requesting the most ridiculous things of our band last night and decided it'd be funny to make wise cracks about it after we didn't play them. For instance, she requested, Bon Jovi, Heart and several other 80's bands that her and the rest of the herd she was travelling in enjoyed. Oh yeah, she was fat too!

Time to slander this woman; I have no idea what her name is, but my friend and bassist knew her and told me a fantastic story regarding her being gang-banged and a friend of hers recording it, laughter ensued. Just in case anyone reading this isn't fully aware of exactly what a cougar is, it's a middle aged (and up) woman seeking affection from a young man (or men). As far as these women go their looks may vary, from attractive, to presentable all the way down to 'I wouldn't fuck her with your cock' ugly. This one in particular didn't even make the lowest grade. Many cougars don't just make it on their fading looks, some carry an air of confidence and experience that can attract males. Again, this one did not. Not only was she by far the least attractive person in the bar, she was the most ignorant loud mouthed and obnoxious as well, but we still got the pig up dancing!

In this first photo you can see the cougars dancing up a storm, the hands in the air while dancing is their mating call. You'll notice the aforementioned cougar is wearing sunglasses in a relatively low lit bar; perhaps shes thinks if she can't see anyone else, we can't see her? I'm sorry big mouth, we can and we're not impressed. The look on my face is that of entertainment, despite their fading looks and self-worth of a piece of toast, they do love to shake what gravity has left of their asses. Commendable.

Ah, camouflage(as she will be known from here on in) , this was one of the nicer ladies I encountered last night. My guess is that her husband was keeping her in line (more on that later) as she was only moderately rough with her hands around my neck after I referred to her as "ma'am"; that took her down a peg. She was a good sport and the most enthusiastic of the pack, her fake breasts no doubt filled her with the confidence of 10 cougars! Not really saying much, but you see where I'm going with this. If you look closely at this picture you can see her partner's martini tatoo on her right shoulder blade, I have nothing to say regarding this that I'm sure most people haven't already assumed.

In this last photo 'camouflage' can be seen cutting the rug with a young man named Luke. Luke is a friend of my keyboard player and was looking to try his luck with this cheap wine swilling vixen. Things appeared to be in his favour until she mentioned her husband may not appreciate some of the dance moves he was trying out on her. Luke was greeted with a harsh scowl from camo's husband. That ended Luke's attempt at seperating one from the herd, good effort Luke.

The moral of this blog is simple, that cougars are people too, lonely, unsatisfied people. For this we shouldn't condemn them, but rather embrace them and make them feel as respected as possible for the brief time we get to spend with them in their natural habitat, a bar full of drunkards looking for cheap sex. Next time you come in contact with a cougar, please give them the same respect as you would want, unless of course they start beaking off about your lack of repetoire involving 80's hair bands. In which case write a blog on them about their lack of dignity.

Whoa blog....

2006-07-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

Blá nótt yfir himininn
Blá nótt yfir mér
Horf-inn út um gluggann
Minn með hendur
Faldar undir kinn
Hugsum daginn minn
Í dag og í gær
Blá náttfötin klæða mig í
Beint upp í rúm
Breiði mjúku sængina
Loka augunum
Ég fel hausinn undir sæng
Starir á mig lítill álfur
Hleypur að mér en hreyfist ekki
Ur stað - sjalfur
Starálfur
Opna augun
Stirurnar úr
Teygi mig og tel
Kominn aftur og alltalltilæ
Samt vantar eitthvað
(Eins og alla veggina)

Hey, I fucked your mom!!

2006-07-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

Just kidding, she's far too ugly for that. The last few days have had me thinking about what I could possibly blog about. The thought of music criticism has been plaguing my mind almost as much as everyday oddities so I figured I may as well write several small topics within one post; some kind of super-blog some might say.

I wipe my ass with better music than you'll ever own:
Whether you choose to believe this or not it's true. Get used to it. Now when I use the word 'you' of course I'm referring to the general public, the sad part is, it's a big public--and you're probably in it. From time to time I'll find myself taking a look at what friends of mine are listening to whilst online or perhaps invade their cd/mp3 collection when visiting them, 9.9 times out of 10 I'm completely dissapointed and try to remember why I'm in fact friends with people who listen to bands like 'Fallout Boy'. This part of the blog probably comes off as pretentious and arrogant. GOOD! If that influences one person reading this to look into music that they'd otherwise never listen to, my work is done.

This is Curtis Mayfield. You should listen to him, he was among the first African American R&B performers to inject social commentary into his music. Many people may recognize his song 'Freddie's Dead' from the film "Superfly". Let's do a quick lyrical comparison between a song by Mayfield and one by a popular artist of today.

'Here but I'm gone'
"I do nothing but waste all my time
Leaving the world behind
Smoking my crack just to keep me high
Around the boys I play my part rough
Keep myself tough enough
Never to cry
Never to die
How did I get so far gone
Where do I belong
And where in the world did I ever go wrong
If I took the time to replace
What my mind erased
I'd still feel as if I'm here but I'm gone"

Obviously this song deals with life in the ghetto, something Mayfield was known for speaking about in his music.

"Stacy can I come over after school? (after school)
We can hang around by the pool (hang by the pool)
Did your mom get back from her business trip? (business trip)
Is she there or is she tryin to give me the slip? (give me the slip)
You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be
I'm all grown-up now baby can't you see
Stacy's mom has got it goin on (4x's)"

This song (if you want to call it that) was written by a band who go by the name "Fountains of Wayne". Their lyrical content is also deeply rooted in issues that have importance in society. For example when they sing 'Did your mom get back from her business trip?' and the band echoes 'business trip', it shows that he really wants to know; saying it twice really gives you the feeling he can't wait to see Stacy's mother. If for some reason you can still listen to a band that spews this kind of garbage, may god have mercy on your soul--and your ugly mom's.

I'm the man who murdered love:
Many people have a hard time defining who they are. We all know someone who isn't quite sure about what it is that makes them different from everyone else. My heart bleeds for many of these people, it's not that they're unskilled or without talent, they just haven't found what it is that they're supposed to do. Sadly, this isn't always the case, there are a group of people who feel the need to remain in the world of personality limbo. They seem to feel the effort needed to find themself is outweighed by the ease of slipping into a cliche.

From what I've read this young fellow is showing us some sort of gang symbol. The 'W' could stand for any number of things he appears to represent; wealth, being a wanker, his ethnicity, he could also be trying to let us know that he's 'wicked-cool'.

In time I hope that those people out there who are yet to find their niche in the world do so. I also hope that those who have given up on originality proceed to throw themselves from a moving vehicle at high speed. Your ugly mothers would be ashamed of you all.

Vaginal tentacles:
This past Saturday I was able to expose a few female friends (one of which I'd met as early as an hour prior) to a few things they've never seen before. The first was a casino, my friend Meg had never been to a casino until that night, so you can imagine her surprise when we went to a strip club. I'd never been to such an establishment, but I'd heard that girls take their clothes off for money inside. We investigated, the rumours were true. Furthermore the night is closed when the final stripper "Officer Justice" (only a strippier could've come up with such a redundant stage name) gives the entire perverts row (front row stage) a toonie slide; this is where she retrieves toonies and sometimes five dollar bills with that special region of her body. Of course by that special region I mean her dirty, smelly, festering, STD infected, dripping, shit stained cunt. It's really quite magical and something I feel everyone should see when visiting Niagara Falls. Oh yeah and apparently they have some water or something there. Overall a fun filled night with my friends. This establishment http://www.mintsstripclub.com believes they are the best in town, sadly I'm inclined to believe that they are the best the rat's nest town known as Niagara Falls can offer. Most of the women there looked like your ugly mom.

Swine!

2006-07-08T00:35:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know who Bill O'Reilly is or have been unfortunate enough to hear the man speak please view this. If you belong to the group of people whom have not heard of him, first of all consider yourselves lucky, but it may still be beneficial for you to view this video as well, as a warning. In this interview (I use that term loosely) O'Reilly proves his true lack of worth to the human race.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yjG3gSVf5g

Emotional maintenance

2006-07-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

For years now I've often wondered about my emotional well being. Thoughts have crossed my mind as to whether or not I still have certain feelings in operation. Today I went to the funeral of my good friend Mark Severn. It was the first time I've ever had a friend pass away. Although I didn't know Mark as long or even as well as many of the other people who were present at the funeral he and I were able to hit it off and become close in the brief time that we knew eachother. Today I cried, for the first time in years since I can even remember last doing so. It felt good, it was a giant tension release of feelings I usually would've otherwised supressed. My hopes are that this blog is some kind of therapy as this is all a very new experience for me (the death of a friend). The next blog I write I promise hilarity and filth as things have been rather depressing in my most recent blogs. Expect nothing shy of humour next entry. Sev would've wanted it that way.

I thought the term was 'No Fat Chicks'?

2006-07-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

In the last week I've had several close friends tell me how much weight I appear to be losing (5lbs to be exact). I'm sure my weight loss could be attributed to many things, such as lifestyle, diet or more than likely stress. Regardless, I am good humoured about people making light of my lanky frame, it's become somewhat of a trademark. Tonight was different. A friend of mine and I made a brief trip for coffee/tea at a local Tim Hortons and noticed 3 rather heavy women and their possible boyfriend (of slightly above average weight) pile into his car. Not thinking anything of it we carried on with our conversation. Midway through our chat as they pulled away these fat bitches were heard to remark "Honey, cheeseburger...you need to eat". Naturally my first reaction was to fire back with something along the lines of "Maybe you should lay off the burgers you heffer"--but I bit my tongue. My day had already been low enough due to my dad just getting out of the hospital and the passing of my friend amongst other things. I could have done without the comment, especially coming from specimens of their caliber. Regardless I'd like to take a moment and put out a warning to any future individuals (obese females) who feel the need to comment on my genetics; next time I won't be in such a somber state and will take great joy in destroying ever last bit of self worth you once had. Remember 'Mean people suck' but fat mean people are worthless.

Mark Severn

2006-07-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine passed away this past Saturday night. Anyone who was lucky enough to get to know or play with Mark will no doubt miss him. I'm thankful for the time Mark and I knew eachother and everything I learned from him.

How to ruin a photograph...

2006-06-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

Photographs are a great way to keep memories of great times in your life. Here are some great ways to destroy those memories for a joke that seems hilarious at the time.

1. Inappropriate hand gestures. As you can see this otherwise great picture of two attractive young adults was brilliantly ruined by me indicating exactly how to fit 'two in the pink and one in the stink' effectively. They never knew what hit them!

2. Some people have a natural ability to ruin photos. Many of these people are very aware of their actions and take great pride in it, rightfully so. Others have achieved a God-like ability to do so, to the point where they don't even have to know they're a part of the photograph. This talent is known as brain dead; rendering oneself completely oblivious to the people around you who may be trying to save a memory. His 1000 yard stare coupled with his thoughtless expression show that he is indeed truely braindead. Masterful.

3. Crotch shots, while both hilarious and rad, are seen as taboo by many shutterbugs. They can't seem to find it within themselves to forgive someone for sharing a special part of themselves with their camera. Unfortunately crotch shots do not please the owner of the camera, no matter how many hands you can fit in the frame.

4. Intoxication is a great way to destroy any fond memories a person may have had about your wit, good looks and pronounciation. Instead they'll forever remember the drunken moron that you truly are, however this is a key way to ruin a photo. Jack Daniels is an excellent lubricant if you decide to go this route. The innocence of the female in this picture and the regret she will have for taking it is only heightened by my futile attempts to appear sober and sophisticated. Mission accomplished.

5. Size up a minor. Many girls these days appear much older than they actually are. Hypothetically, a group of gentlemen would be embarassed to find out the female they assumed was of legal drinking age was in fact under the legal age. Mexico is an exception. I'm going to hell. Special thanks to the son of a bitch who snapped this one.

6. Be ugly. Being classically unattractive is an excellent way to remind people of the parts of an event they'd previously spent thousands of dollars in therapy supressing.

Yup.

Using these six steps should have you on your way to being the least likeable member of your social circle.

They call it stormy Monday, but Tuesday's just as bad...

2006-06-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

My dad had surgery this morning and I'm going to visit him at the hospital before my gig. I plan to play all the stuff he likes tonight, come check out our tribute to Mr. PC.

Die Dyer Die

2006-06-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a better title for this blog and I'll most likely have something better by the time I finish writing. To reflect a little bit on my life, I am not a wealthy man, my profession at this point has not paid off financially but my hopes are high. People who have decided to make a career out of a music are in a very small community, one that should be supported not just by the public, but by other musicians. Last night some friends and I went out to a local bar to catch up and generally attemp to enjoy a Friday night. Good friends, nice weather, beer, things were looking up...

Dan Dyer is a rotten cocksucking swine. Harsh? Hopefully. This jackass I speak of kept me on the edge of vomitting throughout our night at this bar. What could possibly make Dan Dyer such a bad guy you ask? He stands at the front of the bar, band-less, armed with nothing more than his guitar, his headset microphone and roughly $4000 worth of backing tracks and looping equipment. Mr. Dyer does not choose to put time and effort into a band or perhaps even a solo act where just he and his instrument perform, this asshole has entire band album tracks playing with simply the vocals and select guitar tracks removed. Think of it as karaoke, except instead of a plethora of terrible singers, there's just one terrible singer with a guitar and a habit of wandering into the crowd and singing at peoples tables. Many artists have done this throughout their careers and it has worked, because these artists had a few things Dan lacks, talent for starters. When Dyer walks up to a table singing in a rather empty bar it just looks like needs someone to pay attention to him, which is definitely the case.

The part that really hurts my feelings is that people like this son of a bitch don't need the money to survive, it's just their hobby and are willing to do it for next to nothing in order to live out past failed dreams of rock glory. In doing this they bring down the going rate for bands all over the area. Bar owners find out instead of paying a band they can pay some moron to play along with his stereo in front of his customers for half or a third the price. Another possible title for this blog could've been 'Dyer Drops Dollars'.

Upon arrival at the bar I went through several emotions pertaining to what was going on in front of me. I had planned for a relaxed night, perhaps a live band, even if it were shitty band at least it would reassure me that the work is out there. My first emotion was curiosity...
In the picture you would probably hear me saying something to the effect of 'What's going on? Who is this man and where are the rest of the members of his band?'

After curiosity it was onto the next emotion, shock...
At the time of this picture below I could be heard to remark 'I hear a whole band, but all I can see is one man? Where could they be hiding?'

Naturally my shock didn't last long once I noticed his gigantic arrangement of computers that were playing the music for him. Shock quickly turned into anger, which took on various forms. At times I found myself wanting to quit music. Most times however were contemplating homicide. Here are a few photos of the anger myself and my good friend Jeff Comer shared.

It's quite easy to see that Jeff is also revolted at the sonic assault we suffered at the hands of Dan Dyer.

This photo below illustrates the sheer dissapointment I felt when I realized this was really happening, up until this point I had assumed this was all a bad dream and I would soon wake up to the usual nightmare that is my home life, no such luck. The title 'Dyer Disgraces Dreams' would have also worked at this point in the blog.

After a nice long cry, I realized that the existence of this piece of shit is needed for balance. Much like in the jungle, not every animal can be a lion, some of us have to be vermin in order for the food chain to effectively carry on. Not that I'm calling myself a lion, however I am certainly not a rat. Odds are he'll go on doing his thing; what it is I still haven't figured out, but the best I and musicians all over who work hard at their craft can hope is that his mediocrity will help define the line between an artist and a douchebag.

In the final picture here you can see Dyer is not even playing his guitar. Why bother? He has devices to take care of small details like that. Do not let the smiles one the faces of these girls fool you, they were indeed laughing at him and left after he had made his way back to the front of the room. By the end of the night I had decided it was best to treat this character like a case of herpes, if you don't look at them, they're not really there. If you would like to see the video that we took of Dan Dyer performing Nickelback's charmless song 'Photograph' I would be more than happy to email it. He is indeed lower than whale shit, die Dyer die! I guess it wasn't such a bad title after all.

Here are some other words that begin with D that I would use to describe Mr. Dyer:
Douche bag, dickhead, depraved, dumb, disgusting, dim-witted, disgrace, destroyer-of-music.

G. Fo, takin' it to the meats!

2006-06-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

How could a man who named all 5 of his sons George Foreman possibly be the same person to come up with the greatest invention of our time? You guessed it, the George Foreman grill. Thank you George, everytime I eat a burger or get punched out by Muhammad Ali, I shall think of you.

Who decided Flipper was so goddamn important?!

2006-06-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

Today I got home from work and made myself a pair of tasty tuna sandwiches (and somehow still manage to keep my figure) and it I got to thinking about other foods society keeps us from enjoying. Naturally my first thought was Dolphin, as tuna is merely a cheap substitute for the true delicacy of the ocean. Then it occurred to me that maybe our own vanity is the reason we're not allowed to eat/hunt certain animals. A dolphin is a beautiful animal, a tuna is the equivalent of it's fat friend (you know what I'm talking about); perhaps this is why we're forbidden from such indulgence. Sadly this theory more or less went out the window when I considered all of the ugly animals that are considered taboo to eat, like african elephants.

Next I considered that perhaps we can't eat animals that have been glorified in our culture. While we're not allowed to dice up some delectable dolphin meat, we have no problems serving up Jaws. There are many varieties of shark meat available at local grocery stores all over the planet, is that because he attacked Richard Dreyfuss? Some say he should be heralded for such an act. Again this theory died off when I realized how few rats we digest as a society; with obvious regards to the homeless.

Being on top of the food chain is something humans have prided themselves on since the dawn of man. Why should we let another species inability to keep up with us deprive us of a tasty meal? My belief is that some of these animals need to get with the program like so many of our barnyard friends. Cows, chickens, pigs, sheep, all serve a purpose, to grow strong and healthy and then be brutally murdered in order for us to enjoy select pieces of their bodies to use for nourishment/clothing. While their time on this planet is limited, they get to enjoy all of it in relative comfort, regular meals, shelter and occassional sex with the farmer. These animals just carry on spawning new generations because they know that their kin will have the luxury that they did all the way up until the day their taken to the slaughterhouse. How many stray cows have you seen in your life? None, because they know better. How many cows have attacked you or perhaps tipped you over while you slept in a field in your life? NONE! They've matured and learned their role in the food chain. Animals need to start mass producing, I'm sick of settling for salmon and caviar when I should be eating blue whale.

Here is a brief list of animals I would like to eat and if evolution would ever hurry the hell up these creatures would realize this and get on with their love making. African elephant, blue whale, gorilla, panda, white rhinoceros, black rhinoceros, ghost tiger (not to be confused with Glass Tiger), cheetah, snow owl, baby seal and of course Shamu the killer whale. Sadly chances are slim that any of these animals will ever read my blog and take my advice, or perhaps look to the celebrity-esque lives of cows and other farm animals but there is one animal that has yet to be taken away from me. I am confident that one day, hopefully sooner than later, I will eat a cougar.

S.O.A.P. will cleanse me of all fear

2006-06-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

Most of you are probably wondering why I put periods seperating the letters S, O, A and P. This is because it's an acronym. Now you're probably wondering what these letters stand for. You're also probably wondering what a man such as myself could possibly be afraid of. To answer the second question I have two fears, one is flying, I'm not deathly afraid but I'd be lying if I said I was totally comfortable on a plane. My other paralyzing fear is snakes, everything about them bothers me, so much so that I don't want to talk about them any further, but for the sake of this blog I have to.

In case you haven't figured out what the acronym stands for it's "Snakes on a plane"; the latest piece of box office poison on it's way to theaters August 18th. This movie stars Samuel motherfuckin' L. Jackson. The plot (a relative term in modern cinema) as I've come to understand is that an assassin loads a plane with a variety of deadly snakes in order to kill a witness who is in protective custody (apparently modern weaponry has become far too predictable). Our hero Nelville Flynn (Jackson) is left to guide the movie the rest of the way. So far so good.

Snakes are most commonly known for their limbless figures and ability to swallow their prey whole. What most people don't know is that snakes are an excellent substitute for guns, knives, blunt objects, dynamite, secret AIDS, corkscrews, sulphuric acid, falling pianos, ACME anvils and anything else you would normally use to kill someone. Genius.

Having seen several previews of this movie I can only assume it should purge all fear of snakes and planes as well as snakes on planes. If you're having trouble seeing why, allow me to explain further. Every time I get on a plane from now on, I'll be far more worried about random snake attacks than any of the usual fears associated with flying (mid-air collisions, running out of fuel, Al Qaeda). On the other end of the fear spectrum, next time I come within close proximity of a snake I'll be relieved to know that my escape routes won't be limited by the confines of a 747 and a 35,000 foot plunge to certain death.

This August 18th with the help of Samuel L. Jackson, I plan to rid myself of any and all fear I previously had of snakes and planes. Now if Mr. Jackson would hurry up and make "Bears on Unicycles" I'd be able to take care of a few more worries.

There's a raccoon on my roof...this is not a metaphor...

2006-06-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up at the crack of 1:00pm just like most other days. After going through my normal wake up rituals; scratching myself, attempting to fall back to sleep and checking the bed for unpaid and/or deceased prostitutes (sometimes both) I decided it was time for a shower. The shower was of course to clean the filth that comes naturally from living in Hamilton, however today was a different day all together. Those who have been in my bathroom are aware of the giant mirror that takes up an entire wall of the room, normally I look into this mirror and see my reflection, a pale 140lb lanky son of a bitch who looks like he just came off a two week heroin binge where sleep was not a concern. Today I was not alone in the viewing, I was joined by the raccoon peering in my window staring at me from behind. Naturally it scared the hell out of me; rooftop raccoons are not a common occurrence.

My first natural reaction was to see if my mother had called the SPCA or Animal Control regarding the situation. She had and apparently there was nothing they could do. This beckons the question, if they can't come collect an animal from a rooftop, what exactly can they do? Based on this I declare the SPCA a bunch of rancid cockeaters. I went about my shower, Hank slept outside the window (I named him Hank). After my shower was complete I went about locating my digital camera, I knew as good as this story would be to tell, it'd be even funnier to see.

Not wanting to risk a confrontation with this animal (it was a baby, but I'm sure it could've done some damage) I simply removed the screen from the window for a better shot, but left the window itself closed. To wake the animal i cranked the window open a bit just so it would hear it enough to investigate the noise. Hank didn't seem at all shocked to see me, in fact I would bet he was probably just humouring me by letting me take the pictures. Anyway, I took the photos and uploaded them to my computer, hilarity ensued. Hank is the most photogenic raccoon I've ever met, as the photos turned out rather cute, for a rodent. Shortly after I left for work, having returned hours later to be informed that a neighbour had removed Hank from the roof, I was relieved that he wouldn't be in danger of hurting himself or possibly tearing up my roof (or taking another shit on it--I still haven't forgiven him for that) any longer. This was the end of the Hank saga...or was it?

NO! About an hour after I'd gotten home from work I went to use the washroom again and was greeted once more by our loveable hero (out came the camera). Perhaps he missed me, that's how I like to think about it, regardless he's been removed once again. I shant forget the time Hank and I spent getting to know eachother. Until we meet again, God bless you Hank, my new trash-eating friend.

The other side of the fence

2006-06-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

This post is a follow up to my previous post about smoking. Having shown the coolest side of smoking I feel I should further my argument by showing the opposite(kinda). The uncool side of not smoking. Again I will use photos to show the common thread that runs through the most notorious and evil people in documented history.

First is Bill O'Reilly, this once 'Inside Edition' co-host is best known for being an all around dim witted shit head who enjoys the sound of his own voice before he thinks about what he's going to say. Host of the right wing television show 'The O'Reilly Factor', Bill has proved himself nothing short of a racist as well a hypocrit. In October 2004 Bill was accused by his producer of having subjected her to graphic phone sex chats. This is a man who preaches Christian/Republican morality day in and day out. Not a smoker.

Adolf Hitler as most of you probably know was leader of the NAZI party in Germany since 1921 and the facist dictator of Germany in the late 30's until his death. Responsible for the Holocaust which lead to the genocide of some 6 million Jews and Slavs most notably. A bastard to say the least, Hitler can be seen in this picture, not smoking. Coincidence? Doubtful.

Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment reportedly reeked of decomposing meat. They found chloroform and formaldehyde, dozens of polaroids Jeffrey had taken of his victims while they were tied up and butchered. Along with the 55-gallon drums of muriatic acid with dissolving body parts and a freezer full of heads packaged in plastic bags. He killed people, had sex with their corpses and ate them. Eventually he was beaten to death in prison (whammy). There are no known photographs of Mr. Dahmer smoking, or even holding one for a friend.

Chad Kroeger. Lead singer/songwriter of the band Nickelback. Son of a bitch. Non smoker. I hate him.

Don't let the Surgeon General push you around!

2006-06-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

Smoking is cool. Despite what parents/friends/doctors/teachers may have told about smoking not being cool, they're all lying to you and themselves. Some of the coolest people who ever lived smoked. Personally I am not a smoker, however I've been known to indulge in the occassional cigar/cigarette/other. I'm not lobbying for everyone to start smoking, however I'm asking that non smokers quit labelling smoking as "uncool". I have included images of some of history's most famous and cool smokers. These talented individuals were all at the top of their professions in their respective times. How do you think they got there? Hard work? Talent? Luck? None of the above, their success can be attributed to smoking. Whether it's the oversized cigar of George Burns or the Jazz cigarette of Miles Davis, they both spell out the same thing. "I'm a winner".

Do yourself a favour

2006-06-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

Go listen to some Elliott Smith. I could go into what a sham modern music is but I won't because Elliott is/was so far above all of that. Please check him out, he's one of the most beautiful artists you'll ever experience.

Why Elvis is better than you...

2006-06-17T14:04:00.001-07:00

Other than the obvious reasons that come along with having a nickname like "The King" here are a few more reasons Elvis is better than you can ever hope to be...so stop trying...

1.) Even as a fat drug addicted shadow of his former self, he could still pack any arena on the planet and sing like a motherfucker.
2.) The belts he wore on the Hawaiin TV specials were worth $2650.00....in 1973!
3.) He had entrance music.
4.) He had exit music.
5.) After his exit music they had to tell people he was gone just so they'd get the fuck out.
6.) He's still one of the highest grossing entertainers on the planet and he's been dead since 1977.
7.) His life is categorized by his appearance. ie/Young Elvis, Military Elvis, '68
Comeback Elvis, Vegas Elvis, Fat Elvis, Fat Vegas Elvis, Deceased Elvis..later followed by 'Possibly Alive Elvis'
8.) Men all around the world make a living by dressing up like him.
9.) While Elvis was 'anti-drug' (marijuana and other hallucinogens) he was at one point taking pill forms of Heroin that his MD had prescribed for him...bad ass!
10.) To this day the only performer in history to have a 'human mic stand'(see;
1977 TV performance of 'Unchained Melody'). To view what a human mic stand
looks like, please follow this link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_d33OwFzImI

Fake tits

2006-06-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of women with breast implants getting such a bad reputation for not being natural etc. Fake breasts are fantastic and I for one am standing up for what I believe are a fantastic advancement in medical science. Not to say I'm against real breasts...because I'm not...I love them all. With all the war and political strife in the world, now is the time all breasts and their owners should learn to live in harmony.
Peace, Love, Titties.

You could live a million years...

2006-06-17T14:03:00.001-07:00

...and in one year I would still meet more weirdos than you could ever hope to, even if you were trying! I wish there was a way I could explain it, but these people seek me out in crowds. Something tells them that I'm the one that they want to share their life story with, philosophize with, have vicious forced sex with or kill.....sometimes all of the above, in no particular order. I'd like to blame this on my choice of lifestyle/career but it's been going on my entire life. I'll never understand it; and I don't believe I'm meant to.

I'm a troubled man...

2006-06-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

...that is all...

Willie Nelson...God?

2006-06-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

I saw Willie Nelson tonight and I don't think I'll ever look at music (see; life) the same again. It's too bad there will never be another human like him. If you get the chance to see him I suggest you do so.

.......

2006-06-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

I pay for my car that gets me to work...to pay for my car...... ....who's the real hero there?

INXS

2006-06-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

When I was much younger, one of my favourite bands was INXS. During my formative years in music I was lucky enough to be introduced to their music. Hearing of Michael Hutchence death several years ago upset me; somewhat like having your dog that you got when you were a kid taken away from you (that's another blog).

Year's later I heard INXS were still touring Australia with fill in singers Terence Trent DArby and Jon Stephens (ugh). To me this was the downfall of an otherwise great band. I assumed they'd wind out the rest of their careers with corporate events and the royalties and residuals from INXS' heyday. If only that were the case.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any lower than INXS performing with Terrence Trent D'Arby (you may remember his "hit" 'Wishing Well') things got much worse. The remaining members of INXS decided now would be a good time to attempt to rekindle their faded glory in what appears to be a vain mid-life crisis. Normally men of this age tend to buy sports cars or date women half their age, but I suppose they did most of that back in the late 80's.

This brings me to the show "Rockstar: INXS". A piece of marketing genius and relative late-comer to the reality tv bandwagon. Admittedly I rarely watch television, but I did however catch about a half hour of this disturbing trash. A bunch of potential performers (notice I didn't use the word 'artists') take turns playing for the panel of judges; members of INXS who aren't/weren't/could only hope to be Michael Hutchence. After several episodes of elimination it's finally decided that some jackass from Toronto is deserving enough to have been chosen as the replacement for Michael.

Time passes and the bands first new single in years hits the airwaves. Not only does it sound like an amalgamation of several INXS hits from the 80's, the singer sounds alarmingly familiar to Hutchence. It seems the band was obviously just looking for a sound-alike and he just happened to live in Toronto. What I'm getting at is that the shows purpose wasn't so much a contest as it was a hype machine built around a singer who I believe was chosen long before the idea of a reality show/contest was conceived. The added safety of shooting the show in the hometown of the singer only cushions the idea of a new guy attempting to fill the shoes of the man who WAS INXS.

This has been bothering me for some time but I never bothered to vent it, until it struck me that people do occassionally read these blogs. I'm glad I could get that out, if anyone has any feedback or would just like to congratulate me on my sleuthing, let me know.

Chris

When I was much younger, one of my favourite bands was INXS. During my formative years in music I was lucky enough to be introduced to their music. Hearing of Michael Hutchence death several years ago upset me; somewhat like having your dog that you got when you were a kid taken away from you (that's another blog).

Year's later I heard INXS were still touring Australia with fill in singers Terence Trent DArby and Jon Stephens (ugh). To me this was the downfall of an otherwise great band. I assumed they'd wind out the rest of their careers with corporate events and the royalties and residuals from INXS' heyday. If only that were the case.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any lower than INXS performing with Terrence Trent D'Arby (you may remember his "hit" 'Wishing Well') things got much worse. The remaining members of INXS decided now would be a good time to attempt to rekindle their faded glory in what appears to be a vain mid-life crisis. Normally men of this age tend to buy sports cars or date women half their age, but I suppose they did most of that back in the late 80's.

This brings me to the show "Rockstar: INXS". A piece of marketing genius and relative late-comer to the reality tv bandwagon. Admittedly I rarely watch television, but I did however catch about a half hour of this disturbing trash. A bunch of potential performers (notice I didn't use the word 'artists') take turns playing for the panel of judges; members of INXS who aren't/weren't/could only hope to be Michael Hutchence. After several episodes of elimination it's finally decided that some jackass from Toronto is deserving enough to have been chosen as the replacement for Michael.

Time passes and the bands first new single in years hits the airwaves. Not only does it sound like an amalgamation of several INXS hits from the 80's, the singer sounds alarmingly familiar to Hutchence. It seems the band was obviously just looking for a sound-alike and he just happened to live in Toronto. What I'm getting at is that the shows purpose wasn't so much a contest as it was a hype machine built around a singer who I believe was chosen long before the idea of a reality show/contest was conceived. The added safety of shooting the show in the hometown of the singer only cushions the idea of a new guy attempting to fill the shoes of the man who WAS INXS.

This has been bothering me for some time but I never bothered to vent it, until it struck me that people do occassionally read these blogs. I'm glad I could get that out, if anyone has any feedback or would just like to congratulate me on my sleuthing, let me know.

Chris

Conspiracy Theory

2006-06-17T13:58:00.001-07:00

I often think that Kellog's Special K is merely a vehicle for milk. Try eating a bowl, or perhaps two or three; look at how much you need just to balance out the milk! It's obvious Kellog's is in cahoots with the cow population.....dirty bastards.

You're probably an idiot

2006-06-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

If you agree with any of the following, the title of this blog more than likely applies to you...

1. Love is not dead.
2. Reality tv is a good thing.
3. Being Emo is awesome and those who don't understand me are fools.
4. These pictures I took of myself in my room and/or in front of a mirror really let people know I have a deeper more tortured side.
5. Sex with animals is ok.
6. I'm going to have sex with this prostitute...sans condom.
7. This new SUV is going to be perfect for driving my 9 month old child to get groceries.
8. This new Nickelback song is awesome!
9. Your mom isn't a filthy tramp.
10. My parents don't regret my birth.

Stevie Ray Vaughanabees

2006-06-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

May you all rot in hell. How dare you disgrace such a talent by blatantly ripping off everything he ever did. Pathetic. I hope you all know who you are...get a life.

BUY BUSEN AMPS!

2006-06-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

If you're as cool as me you'll buy a Busen custom built guitar amp. As good and better than anything else on the market; and Wild Bill will tweak it to your specifications. Come see me live and you can hear what mine sounds like at 10 :)

Rotten motherfuckers!!

2006-06-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

Miracle Whip had/has NO business making mustard, it's got mayonaise mixed in....bastards.